


Don't be fooled by recovery

by PsychoticScream



Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Fluff, References to Depression, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-12
Updated: 2016-12-05
Packaged: 2018-08-14 17:01:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 17,634
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8021923
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PsychoticScream/pseuds/PsychoticScream
Summary: AU. Cosima Niehaus hits rock bottom after a major breakup. Will doctor Delphine Cormier be able to guide her towards recovery? Or will there be more to it than this? Story written in POV for Cosima.





	1. Chapter 1

I used to think that difficult roads lead to beautiful destinations. That challenges are there to help you grow and become a better person.

But this one, this one contradicts whatever beliefs I hung on to. It made me realize that, at some point, some people will only stay in your heart but not in your life.

This caused me to succumb to depression, and lose control of myself.

I formed a bad habit of drinking myself to sleep. I can’t recall the last time I’ve felt completely sober these days.

I have a remarkable talent of constantly fucking up, and then I wonder why nothing good stays with me.

I walk towards my drawer for my narcotics, specifically marijuana. Yes, I drink and smoke weed. It helps me forget the bad things, the sad things. My mind doesn’t offer me peace as I decide that torturing myself is the best kind of punishment.

I light one joint and press my lips firmly around it, inhale, hold in and exhale.

I hear my phone buzz. I ignore it but the other person was being too persistent, calling for five minutes straight. I got up and grabbed the damned thing and stare at the screen. The light was blinding, but I deciphered the name. Sarah.

I’m sure she’s thinking I’ve killed myself by now. Maybe it wasn’t so bad to close my eyes once and forever.

I linger, slightly afraid of her reaction.

_Here goes nothing._

'Why didn’t you pick up the bloody phone, Cos?' Oh – she’s really mad this time.

I took another inhale of my joint and press my sweaty palm to my forehead. I frown at the feeling of the sticky moisture.

' What is it, Sarah,'

' You know what? Fuck you, yea?' Her voice was shaky. 'I get that you’re, in a _mood_ lately, but don’t fuckin' scare me like that! ‘

This whole topic made me anxious. I wanted to be alone, close the phonecall. But then I remember that Sarah has always been there for me, and I couldn’t even do at least this. Assure her I’m alive. Alive and fine. But I’m none of these two. I’m just breathing, existing. I grab the ashtray and settle my joint down.

` I’m sorry, alright? '

She hesitated, probably because she was trying to calm down. She was always short tempered and a big mouth of a human being. ' I’ll come by tomorrow. Bring Kira too, yea?' I hummed a yes. Then I was tearing up. 'I love you. I’m sorry.' I sniffed the moisture gathered in my nostrils. She sighed on the other line.

' I love you too.' And hung up.

I toss the phone across my room, landing it skillfully between my pillows. I lean back on my couch, pressing the crook of my neck firmly on the backrest. My head was pounding. My thoughts were unclear. I was thinking about Shay again.

I was thinking about how big of a bitch she was. Of how she ruined my life, stole my savings from me. I trusted her. I trusted her and now, now I’m broke. I’m fucking broke and there’s nothing I could do, no one I could rely on. I refused to rely on Sarah countless times. But she was always just too damn stubborn. A part of me was happy, I was lucky to have her, but I felt pathetic, nonetheless.

I couldn’t stand seeing myself as a weakling. I had everything in control. I had plans. I even wanted to marry that piece of shit. `Oh, that  _fucking_  piece of- `

I punched the nightstand, unconsciously, my joint almost flying to the floor but I managed to grab it, burned my index finger in the process. I cursed myself for the 10th time today.

I went to pour cold water on the burn and wrap bandage around it, as sloppy as it was.

I reach for another bottle of gin, gulp a handful. It knocked me out, felt a wave of numbness kick in. I wandered to my bedroom and land flat on my stomach. I felt so empty that I couldn’t even cry to relieve myself. All I could do was to stare aimlessly through the room until I fell asleep.

I am Cosima Niehaus.

And I am losing my shit.

 

Rough night. I woke up several times during the night and wondered if I’m even alive. But I was very much so.

Sometimes, I hallucinated and heard whispers. This started happening not so long ago. I didn’t mind them at all, I embraced them.

No great genius has ever existed without some touch of madness, right?

` What am I saying...`

I heard someone knocking. I thought I was still dreaming, but then it came to me that Sarah was supposed to come here. Shit. Overslept.

I swiftly rose to my feet and it was the worst mistake ever. Hangover. I grimace and run to the door, heard Sarah on the other side.

I opened it and peeked around, preparing for a shitstorm. But instead, I was welcomed by two little arms squeezing me tight.

' Auntie Cosima!'

' Kira!' I lower myself to hug her.

'You smell funny.'

Sarah gave me a look. Thanks, kiddo.

I cough. ‘ Oh, I need a shower.`

I guided Kira towards my room to play, not really eager to face Sarah.

But here we are.

' Piece of shite.'

' I said I was sorry, Sarah.' I rolled my eyes and offered her a cup of tea. ‘ Do you even know how this feels like?'

' I don’t care, yea? Don’t ever pull that stunt on me again. Don’t ever fuckin’ scare me like that. ' Her fists were clenched tight, I could sense how much she wanted to legit punch me in the face.

'I loved her, Sarah. I loved her and she ruined me.'

' Stop your whining! All you’ve lost is some bloody money, which I can help you with anytime because I bloody care for you.' I lowered my head in defeat.

' You have a child to raise a - a husband! You don’t need extra luggage at your front door,'

' Cal said that’s the least of your worries. Shut your mouth. End of discussion. ' I was fidgeting with my rings and biting the inside of my cheek. I knew there was no point in arguing with her, she’d counter me anytime.

' How am I supposed to make it up to you?'

' Just learn to answer your shitass phone and we’re even. '

I pressed my lips together in a thin line and nodded, like a child being scolded by its mother.

' Auntie Cosima, what’s this?' I turn around to find Kira holding up one of my joints. My heart stopped- must’ve forgot it from last night. I rushed towards her to take the said joint and throw it in the trash and I saw Sarah give me the look, arms crossed.

'Are you planning to ruin yourself over some bi- ' she sighed as she motioned for Kira to return to the room. 'bitch.' She continued.

' You know these things go. You know how vulnerable I am when it comes to stupid shit like, feelings. '

' I can’t believe you were about to propose.'

'Me neither. What am I supposed to do now? I still have a dissertation to work on, research to conduct – these things don’t pay for themselves. I need to find a job. '

' How about you lay low for a bit, yea? Talk to your bloody teacher. Postpone it.' I didn’t like the sound of that. But I felt hopeless towards how my heart made me feel during these last few days. My heart and mind don’t cooperate.

I agreed to her offer.

' I think I’m losing it. ' She tilted her head. 'I could’ve swore last night I heard whispers in my room.'

' You're batshit crazy, Cos.'

' I am.' I admit. `Maybe it’s the shock. I loved her all these years and she broke my fucking heart. And my bank account, ' I stand up to reach for my bottle of gin and pour just the right amount. I could see Sarah's disagreement written on her face.

' Don’t give me one of your pep talks. '

' Wasn’t going to.' She finished her tea and passed me the empty mug. I wanted to pour her some more but she refused, fidgeting with her car keys. Contemplating.  'I think you need to see a psych.'

'Sarah, no- ' she cut me off.

' Think about it, yea? You worry me sick. Every fuckin’ time. You’re getting worse by the day.'

' I’m fine.' She gave me a sarcastic laugh. 'Really.' I insisted.

' We’ll see. If I notice ya going cuckoo, I’ll personally grab your sorry ass to a psych.' I sighed heavily, rubbed my temples and adjusted my glasses. My head was throbbing and my eyes were watery from the lack of sleep. I leaned my head on the table, with my arms spread across it.

To my surprise, Sarah held one of my hands. ' _Please_ don’t be a bloody idiot. Don’t waste your life for some sick cunt.' I nodded a couple of times, losing myself in thoughts.

' I have to drive lil' monkey to school. I’ll talk to you soon, yea? Cal's gonna transfer some money in your account tonight. ' She pat me on the back.

' Thank you. I mean it.' I offered a smile, and Sarah hugged me tight before she called Kira. I hugged the little kiddo, too.

I wish they hadn’t left.

 

 

The night was long.

After Sarah left, I went for some fresh air. I grabbed my coat and tied my dreads into a bun. I wasn’t keen on paying much attention on how I looked right now.

It did me good, at first, but being by myself shook me. I had a panic attack. I kept hearing voices, they whispered incoherent things first, but then they were increasingly louder. Telling me how worthless I am. How easy I am to be abandoned. That I deserve nothing but misery, and miserable was all I really was.

I ran home, drank myself to sleep and I woke up sweaty in the middle of the night. I literally had to drag myself to the shower and didn’t bother to take off my undergarments. I turned on the cold water, not minding the temperature.

I gather every last bit of strength left in me to dry myself and do some cleaning around the house. It looked like a drug den. Clothes scattered everywhere, empty bottles trashed aimlessly at the base of my walls.

After I was done I felt a little happy. The house looked really nice. The horrid smell was gone, too.

I heard my phone buzz and reached for it. Felix.

' Hey, Princess. Now you answer my calls.'

' Blame Sarah. '

' That bloody doll, what’s she done to you? '

' Nothing, really. You’d be surprised how responsible she is. '

' Everyone's gettin' old. ' I found myself smiling. I’ve missed him more than I thought I would. ' You alright? Feel like getting stoned?'

' Some other time, Felix. I already had some not long ago, I should take it easy. '

' Suit yourself. Are you handling yourself? '

' Just fine. ' I lied.

' I’ll call you some other time. Be a darling and take care. '

He closed. I groaned at my phone.

I walked downstairs to the local store to grab some groceries, try cook something, keep my mind busy.

It turned out to be a complete disaster, like every time I try to cook for myself. So I settled for some sandwiches and a movie. It was a terrible one. I aimlessly picked something far too romantic. It made my stomach clench.

' Fuck this.’ I closed my laptop and reached out to light another joint.

I opened the window, happy to feel chill air caress my skin as I enjoy my smoke. I thought of trying to get better from now, ease the dosage of alcohol too.

But it didn’t.

It was worse.

Hallucinations tormented me every night.

After my two weeks of struggle, I was surprised by Felix and Sarah’s presence at my doorstep.

'Open the bloody door!` I rolled my eyes before unlocking it, since I wasn’t going to get away with it, again.

` Fuckin’ look at ya’!` Sarah stormed past me as Felix followed her. `You’re just like a goddamn corpse. What did I tell you? Hm?`

` Please keep your voice down or my head’s going to explode.’  Felix pat Sarah firmly on the shoulder, asking her to calm down. I covered my forehead with my sleeve and sighed in defeat.

` You've been giving me the impression that you’re bloody fine, fat fucking chance.` she pulled out one of my chairs and dropped herself on it.

` Sarah, love - ` Felix interfered. `Can we calm down?`

` Please listen to him.` I insisted. `I thought I could handle myself, alright? I thought I was in control. I was wrong, miss know-it-all.` I cross my arms and lean against the kitchen counter, losing patience by each ticking second.

` My arse you are, Cos. My fuckin’ arse. ` It was exhausting to put up with her. Both me and Felix waited for her to calm down.

` Cosima,`Felix starts. `I know you’re not going to like what we’re going to suggest, but please consider it.` I already knew what I was going to hear and I immediately shook my head.

` I’m not going to a psychiatrist.’

` You bloody  _will_  go to one.`  There she goes.  ` Have ya’ looked in the mirror, lately? You look like a bloody ghost.`

`Sarah has a unique way to show concern,` I chuckled. ` But we just want you to be okay.`

Did I really want to be okay anymore?

` Listen, guys - ` I rub the bridge of my nose between my thumb and index finger. `I’ll consider it. But can I have some time to think about it?`

` So you’re telling me that you would want more restless nights?`

` No, Sarah. I’m saying - ` I didn’t really know where I was going with this. `Not so soon? Let me get used to the whole process, thing.`

She grabbed her car keys. `Two days. And I’m booking you an appointment.`

` Fine.` Felix gave me a comforting hug as Sarah already left through the door.

` Please don’t take her for granted. She’s a witch, but she loves ya.` I lift myself on the tip of my toes and ruffle his hair affectionately.  

` Thanks for coming here. You know, calm her down and all.` He hugged me again before leaving. Then I found myself wrapping my own arms around me, terrified of being left alone.

And then it came to me, maybe Sarah was right after all.

 

 

After two days like she promised, Sarah was scrolling through a list of clinics to find the best psychiatrist in our area.

`Pass me the damn coffee.`  To my surprise, she was really putting effort in gathering bits of information for this whole thing.  I give her another cup of coffee as I grab one for myself.

` Cal’s not home today?`

` Nah. Asked him to take monkey for a walk while we sort this shit out.`

`He’s grown really attached to her.` Sarah nods.  I pressed my elbows on the table and sighed. `I’m kind of nervous about this whole thing.` I admit, hesitantly. `Maybe they’ll think I’m batshit crazy, send me to an asylum or something. Do experiments on me, set me on fire.`

` Don’t start rambling. No one’s gonna send you anywhere.`  She laughs then smacks me on the forearm. ` Calm your tits.`

` Sir, yes sir.` I take a mouthful of coffee and grimace. ` Shit, where’s that sugar?`

` Next to the microwave.`  I move to grab it and add two spoons in my coffee, and Sarah motions for me to stop, suddenly.

` What?`

` I found a good one. ` she adjusts her voice. ` Recently opened,`  I approach the laptop and take a closer look.  ` Some french gal, Dr. Cormier, PhD in immunology, huge ass CV,` she rubs her palms victoriously. ` I think we have a winner, Cos.`

I adjusted my glasses as I read through the mass info scattered across the web page. Even I thought that this person is a great deal.

` Alright, let’s do this.` I absently scratch the base of my palm.  Sarah tugged on my arm.

` You’ll get better. You have to.`

 

 

 

I counted the days until my first appointment.

I felt a bit optimistic, mostly inclined to believe I would finally be able to get a goodnight’s sleep. I was wrong, again. I did not get many hours of sleep as my nightmares never really left my side.

Neither did my hallucinations.

_Lord, look at me._

I’m trash, pathetic. I was disappointed of myself. But I was lucky to have Felix visit me every day, taking me out for walks, being sure I’m alright.

` Should I ask Sarah to drive you tomorrow to the clinic?`

` No. I mean, I think I can walk by myself a few minutes without causing mayhem. `  

` Of course. You’re a strong gal.` I felt a firm grip of encouragement on my arm. ` Keep us updated, yeah?` I agreed.  `And don’t drink before the appointment. That’s not how a lady makes her first impression.`

I roll my eyes. ` It’s not like I’m going on a date, Felix.`

` You can never be too sure.` He elbows me lightly in the ribs. ` I should get going. Need anything?`

` Actually, I do.` I press a finger on my lips. ` Get shitfaced with me. You can grab a taxi later.`

` That’s my Cosima.`

 

 

It was the best distraction I could’ve asked for. I’ve had lots of fun with Felix. Internet was such a wonderful thing, filled with tons of bullshit you could have a laugh at. Sometimes we’d check profiles of various people, say which one we’d have sex with if it was just for a one night stand.

After he left, I was surprisingly okay. I could get a few hours of sleep before the appointment.

I glanced in the mirror. I realized how shitty I actually looked thanks to the piled up exhaustion.

Now that I think about it, I’m meeting an incredibly smart French woman and I couldn’t allow myself to look like a sack of potatoes.

I took a shower and did my makeup. I’ve put on my favorite hoodie and pair of black jeans. Then, I crouched to tie my boot’s shoelaces. A headache was starting to kick in and I sighed in exasperation. I might’ve had a bit too much last night.

I took one last look in the mirror before I left. It wasn’t so bad. But then I found myself staring profoundly and I felt anxiety piling up in me.  _I_

_I’m gross._

` No. Shut up. I’m perfectly fine.`  I cover my face in both hands.

` I’m fine.` I trail away from the mirror as quickly as possible.

` I’m not fine.` I fought back the urge to let my tears flow by pressing the base of my palms over my eyes.  

` Deep breaths, Cosima.`

I tapped the floor with my heels until I calmed down.

And I eventually left the house.

I was glad that this place was only fifteen minutes away from my home.

To my surprise, I wasn’t late to the appointment.  _`Cosima-1, freaky ass depression-0.`_  I smirk to myself.

I heard heels click on the other side of the door. The sound increased and I became dangerously aware of what’s going to happen.

` Bonjour.`  The woman offered me a smile, and closed the door behind her.

I was staring absently at her.

` Hello,` I put on my best smile.  _Get a hold of yourself, moron._  I swallowed dryly and adjusted my tone.` I’m Cosima.`

` Dr. Cormier. ` She walked towards me and extended her hand. `Enchantée.` I felt like a complete idiot because I couldn't stop smiling.

` Enchantée,` Her handshake was firm.

` Are you ready for your appointment?` she wrapped an arm around my shoulders, inviting me in. I nodded twice and urged my feet to move forward towards the room.

I felt an odd sense of security coming from her. The way she spoke calmed me down. And her presence was more than enough to do it, anyway.  She invited me to take a seat and offered a glass of water, then grabbed a notebook and pen but, for some reason she hesitated, she was thinking about something I couldn’t quite catch. Then she dropped the notebook back in the drawer and walked towards our seats.

I drowned myself in details of her. Tall, slender, blond curls that matched her face structure,  _gorgeous_  eyes that intimidated me whenever we looked at each other for more than 5 seconds – A living masterpiece.

`Cosima,` I snap out of my dreamy state. She smiled again.  _That goddamn smile_. `I want you to know you can be completely honest with me, d’accord? `

Her French accent killed me, too. ` Alright.` I found myself grinning again.

I hesitated at first, but I nailed every detail about my condition during the last month.

` I see.` she shook her head, concern forming on her features.  `But you haven’t told me the reason that triggered these nightmares, these hallucinations,`  She caught me off guard. I wasn’t planning to talk about Shay just yet, but perhaps she needed to know these things in order to form a bigger picture.

` I ... I’m not sure if I feel ready to talk about that, right now I mean.`

` It's too much for you?`

` It's ... a lot to take in.` She nods in acknowledgement. ` Long story short, it’s about an ex, that’s how far I will go. I’m afraid I’ll start sobbing over your beautiful carpet if I continue, we wouldn’t want that.` A soft giggled escaped her lips, and I felt great satisfaction right there. Making her laugh felt great. It fueled my ego.

` No, we wouldn’t.` She played along. ` But when the time is right for you, I will make an exception.`  She was biting her lower lip. It was perhaps the second time I notice her do it.  _What an oddly satisfying trait._  I thought.

` You probably think I’m crazy.` I admit half-heartedly.

` Non. I do not think so.` She placed her hand on my knee. ` But you need medication, Cosima. These things can become increasingly worse over time.`

` I’m aware.` I was rubbing my arm nervously. ` I am willing to make an effort since my PhD won’t finish by itself.`

` Oh? What’s your major?`

` Evolutionary development.` I raise my chin, proud.

` That’s an impressive field. ` She rose her brows. `I must admit, you are smarter than you look.` She pointed at my nose ring.

` I guess the teenage phase is still with me.` I flick a finger over one of my dreads.

` Oui.` She looked at me for a while, then shifted her attention towards her feet. ` I’m sorry to say our appointment has come to an end,` she stretched as she rose to her feet, and I rose myself with her.

` Thank you , like, tons for everything, you know.` My mouth was starting to run on its own and I cleared my throat.  She chuckled.

` There is absolutely no need to thank me, Cosima. This is my job.`

_Right. It’s her job._  I sighed louder than I should’ve.

` Are you feeling well?` She held me by the arm and I froze at the contact.

` Of course, yeah. I’m good.` I laugh nervously and pinch my hip, reminding myself that I’m not 18 years old anymore.

` If anything’s on your mind, remember, you can tell me.`

_Should I really tell you?_

` I will.` I assure her. She passed me a bag of meds and prescription.

` Be sure to take these. I’ll see you in two days.`

` Two days?` I thought this counseling thing wasn’t so frequent.

` Oui. But I want to help you recover, Cosima. And your condition isn’t something to be taken lightly.`

_Don’t get your hopes up, don't get your hopes up._  ` Sure, yeah. I’ll come by in two days. Thanks a bunch,`  I consider my choice of words here. ` Doctor Cormier.`

` Delphine.`  She leaned against the wooden desk.

` Delphine,`  I close the door behind me, completely red.

` Shit.` I leaned against the nearest wall and bent down to press my palms against my knees. ` Shit.` I mutter, again. I did not expect that.

I am Cosima Niehaus.

And I'm, how may I put this into words - fucked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After writing 7 chapters, I thought it would be a good idea to start refining from the beginning. It turned out better than expected and there were a lot of mistakes I didn't notice at first.


	2. Chapter 2

That was, unreal.

I was processing everything that happened and over analyzed this situation. I was drawn towards this mysterious person. Her intellect was something that stirred a fire inside me I could not put out. She’s was most gorgeous human being I’ve ever laid my eyes on.  
  
I thought about the possibility of bonding with her, as anxious as this thought made me feel.

Yet, what I am afraid to do is a clear indicator of the next thing I need to do.  
  
But then again, maybe I shouldn’t get my hopes up. Maybe she’s, like, totally straight – maybe she’s with someone.  That is yet a mystery to me.  
  
I sigh to myself as I push the front door open. At least I’m brave enough to dream.

 _Embrace the uncertainty._  
  
`Thinking too much again, aren’t I.`  
  
Maybe we can be friends, if nothing else.  
  
I threw the bag of meds on the counter and leaned over the sink to rinse my face in hope that all my troubles would be washed away.

`Maybe it’s not water, maybe it’s...` I turn my chin and stare at the empty bottle of gin.

No, alcohol won’t solve my problems. I’m the only one who can do it.

I snatch the prescription and run my eyes through the mass of words – and then I see it.

Sleeping pills.

At least I’ll forget about everything for a little while.

 

 

I squint my eyes and was surprised to see it was dark outside.   
  
’ Ugh… What time is it,’ I trace my arm lazily through the bedsheet until I reach for my glasses on the nightstand. I focus my vision on clock.  
  
’ Shit,’ 10 p.m.  I panic and grab my phone to check for any missed calls.   
  
’ Five missed calls,’ I adjust my frames.  
  
She was probably going to kill me.   
  
’ Sarah?’  
  
’ … _Do you remember our talk?_ ’   
  
’ I fell asleep,’ I yawn as I walk towards the kitchen and settle myself at the table.   
  
’ _Knocked your head to the wall ‘til you dropped_? ’  
  
’ Medication. Psych prescribed me some sleeping pills.’  
  
_'Oh? Sounds like you’re in better shape._ ’  
  
’ Ready to kick some ass,’ she laughed on the other side. ’ I hope I’ll be better, in time. This psych’s great at what she’s doing.’ I may have been a little too excited when I said that.  
  
’ _Cos, your lady hormones are tingling_ ,’

Goddamn tease.   
  
’ Cut it out, ’ I roll my eyes, knowing she was absolutely right. ’ It’s nothing like that.’  
  
’ _Whatever you say. ‘_  
  
’ Like I said - ’  
  
’ _Blah blah. I hear ya. I gotta go feed monkey. Be good,’_ she hung up _._  
  
I let my head fall on my forearm and nip at my skin in frustration. Why do I have to get attached? I’ll screw everything up.

’ Obvs.’ I mutter.

I tapped my rings against the wooden table. ’ Screw it. Don’t care anymore. Whatever happens, happens.’

I traced circles on the surface with my index finger, absently thinking about everything and anything. Gradually, I was hearing whispers. My head shook on its own, like a defense mechanism.

Deep breaths.

I reach for my meds, swallow a mouthful and drop myself on the couch.

It was way past midnight, and I couldn’t get any sleep at until around morning because all I was looking forward to was seeing Delphine.

 

 

And here’s my next appointment.

I was nestled on the chair, waiting, spinning my rings around my fingers, switching them here and there. Time was passing slower than ever. I groaned and rolled my eyes.

I got startled by the vibration of my cellphone.

_I heard you’re high over heels on Frenchie! Lady charmer._

Felix. Of course.

‘ Oh, you little – ’ The creek of the door caught my attention. I tensed up and my heart skipped a beat.

‘ Cosima?’ I tilt my head to the side. ‘Bonjour. Come in?`  I shifted my weight to my arms and pushed myself up from the seat.  I tried my best not to let my excitement show on my face. But I bet that with her experience she could see right through my facade, duh.

‘ Are the meds meeting their purpose?’ I nod my head twice.

‘ Can you sleep properly?’

‘ More or less, ‘ I cross a leg over the other and clench my hands around my knee. ‘ But it’s definitely an improvement. My eye bags don’t look as bad. See? ‘  I saw satisfaction in her eyes as I pointed towards my face.

‘ Très bon.’

_Gorgeous._

‘ How are you feeling right now, Cosima?’

_If only you knew._

‘ Good, actually. Sometimes I still hear voices. But they’re not as aggressive as they used to be. Which is totally great and all - `

I was interrupted by her chuckle and I raised an eyebrow at her unexpected reaction. Not that I minded, her laughter was like lullaby to my ears.

‘ Pardon, ‘ she tilted her head and I felt as if she was looking right through me. ‘ I noticed you have this speech pattern, oui? You have the tendency to speak fast when you’re nervous. ‘

_Oh._

My mouth was half open, my hands stopped whatever previous motion I was initiating.

‘ What are you nervous about, Cosima?’

I swallowed dryly before I pinned my lip between my teeth.

_It’s you._

‘ I, ugh, ‘

‘ If you feel pressured, we can always talk about something els – ‘

‘ No! That’s not it, I – I don’t feel pressured by you, ‘ I squeezed my knee as my mouth was giving me away. She nodded, urged me to relax. ‘ Quite the contrary, I feel … safe?’

I was looking at my feet when I uttered these words. I was certain I’ve stepped my boundaries there, crossed the line. Instead, I was welcomed by the warmth of her hand on top of mine, a gentle squeeze. I look up at her.

‘ That makes me happy, Cosima,’ she stroked her thumb over my knuckles, I didn’t quite know what to do. My hand froze in place and so did my tongue. Was I reading too much into this?

‘ May I know what happened ? Before all of this started?’  I believe there’s no reason to hide this from her. I rose my chin to look back in her eyes.

‘ I really love - loved someone, you know. We had this long-lasting relationship. Good amount of years, I was even going to propose, marry … _her_.’ I expected some kind of reaction, but she kept listening. ‘Then I woke up one day with an empty bed and bank account. I lost my shit. That’s what pushed me to the point of no return, or so I thought.’ I rub at my eyes, completely forgetting about my eyeliner. But I was ashamed of showing weakness in front of her. I was ashamed of crying. I refused to. I’d rather have my face smudged. She stopped me, though. She grabbed my hand.

‘ Cosima, you can cry. It’s alright to cry.’ She reached for her pocket, handed me a handkerchief. ‘ Please, use this.’

‘ Delphine, I can’t –‘ I didn’t want to get it all dirty. But before I could continue, she pressed the soft fabric near the corner of my eye, gently stroking my skin in an attempt to clean the mess I’ve made.

This gesture, this tenderness, had my tears gather and flow. I had so many mixed emotions. I was angry, I was frustrated, bitter. But I was also happy, happy to just be here. Happy to have Delphine be the one to be here for me.

Do you know that feeling when, it hurts so much that you’re unable to cry? I hadn’t shed tears for a month after my loss. It’s hard to rebuild yourself when the foundation has been lost.

I never imagined that crying would feel this refreshing.

‘ I’m sorry, ‘ I hold on to the handkerchief myself, trying to dry away the traces of moisture and eyeliner. ‘ It looks filthy.’ I hold it up and find myself laughing at it. Delphine smiled warm, holding her hand out for me to lay it in her palm.

‘Cosima, it is just a piece of clothing. What matters is that now you feel relieved, non?’

‘ It was kinda lame, though.’ I peeked at the clock hanging on the wall. I had about ten minutes until the session was over.

‘ Do not look at the time. It is irrelevant. Look at me, ‘ And I do. I look at you and all I see is sunshine. ‘ You did good, Cosima. Surely you must acknowledge this. Your efforts are not meaningless.’

You almost make me believe those words.

‘ And most importantly, you are here now. You decided to heal, get better. You are strong. I believe that from the bottom of my heart.’

_Jesus. You’ll make me fall for you._

‘ I just might believe you, for real.’ I cocked my head to the side. I noticed her bite the bottom of her lip again. It was all too tempting. My heart skipped a beat as I thought of how much I wanted to kiss her.

Our time was up, and I was about to leave. The idea left a sour taste in my mouth. I wanted to be with her more, I wanted more of her. Actually, I wanted _all_ of her.

Be brave, Cosima.

‘Um, Delphine, ‘ She hummed. ‘ I was , you know. Thinking. Would it be cool to like, have coffee with me? Go out around San Frans?’ I crossed my fingers behind my back.

_Say yes._

‘ Oui, Cosima. Is this weekend free for you?’ I nodded, excitedly. ‘ Tots. But like, I need your phone number?’ She approached me and flipped her phone open. We exchanged our numbers, and I felt extremely victorious.

‘ I’ll see you then? ‘ I wave my hand, smiling all the way to my ears. She waved back and I walk out the door.

‘ Cosima 2, freaky ass depression, 0.’

 

 

‘ Fuck me sideways – ‘ Felix exclaimed. ‘ I thought it was just Sarah being a prick, but I didn’t think you had it in you.’

‘ You make me sound like a hooker, ‘ I roll my eyes. ‘ But, if you want to put it that way, yes. I don’t know what came over me, but I really want this.’

‘ I have to say, I’m bloody proud of you.’ He extended his beer bottle, I extend my pathetic but necessary glass of juice. ‘ Cheers, baby doll. To a fresh start and a better tomorrow.’

‘ Cheers.’

‘ What’s next?’ He leaned closer. ‘ Are you going to-’ he cleared his voice, and lowered it. ‘ Shag?’

‘ Woah. Stop right there.’ I wave my hand. ‘I’m not even sure we’re at that level, yet. I mean, for all I could know she’s straight, definitely has a partner.’

‘ Since when does that stop you?’ I consider his words, and shrug.

‘ See? You dirty rascal.’

I blow raspberries. ‘ Speak for yourself. You’ve always been the overly adventurous type.’

‘ Indeed I have. But now you’re following my footsteps.’

‘As if.’ Sarcasm intended.

‘ But, from what I see, if she agreed to this then it has to be something.’

‘ I hope you’re right. I wouldn’t want to end up in an unpleasant situation.’

‘ Love, please. I’ve seen you back in the old days, you’re a lady charmer.’

I pressed my palms around the now empty glass. ‘ This is different, Fee. I really like her, I don’t want to screw this up.’

‘ And you won’t! Shite, drop that attitude back in the washroom.’

I was giggling like a middle schooler. ‘ You know how to lift my spirits.’

‘ That’s why I’m here, love. ’ He looked over his shoulder. ‘ I’ve actually pulled some strings, if I do say so myself.’

‘ Oh? Who is it this time?’

‘ Remember Tony, from _the_ party?’ I raise my eyebrows. ‘ Yeah, him.’ I looked over his shoulder and caught sight of Tony.

‘ How’d you pull that off? I thought he had a girlfriend? ‘ I was smirking , a bit too proud of him.

‘ I have the charm, ‘ he wiggled an eyebrow. ‘ And the looks. ‘ He stroked his jawline, I almost snorted there.

‘ Mind blowing. Just – you go, champ ,’ I bump my chest with my fist.

He grimaced, adding a slow motioned shake of his head .‘ That does not suit you.’

‘ Terrible.’ I adjust my glasses. ‘ You’re absolutely right.’

‘ Cosima, I have to go now. Tend to some, things.’ He coughs discreetly.

‘ Shoo. Do your thing,’ He takes a last sip of beer and lands one of his cocky winks.

Our lives are so different now, that I think of it. Sure, Felix is still his overly charming self, but he’s grown so much as a person. So confident, so sure of himself. But, he never forgot us. He’s always there.

And Sarah? Oh, Sarah. The most anarchic person I’ve ever met. Never backed down from a challenge,  always found a way to survive in this world. After Kira’s birth, there was this fire in her eyes I couldn’t quite describe, but it was like she morphed into a different kind of human being.

And me? Well, a month ago I could’ve said I’ve had it all sorted out.

Now? I’m back to square one, trying to figure myself again.

 

 

 

‘ Bonjour.’ I look up at Delphine, trace every inch of her face with my eyes. Even if she’d notice, I didn’t care. I noticed how the sun made her look even more dazzling. Shadows adding depth to her features, sunlight beaming on her perfect skin – I flashed a smile, total puppy smile. She smiled back, and I think I was falling in love with that perfect smile of hers.

‘ Delphine –so glad you’re here, sit?’ I point to a chair parallel to me, she placed her purse across the table and took the seat.

‘ Of course I’m here, how could I miss this opportunity?’

Despite my attempt to play this cool, my heart fulfilled its role. I was nervous. I was sitting inches across Delphine, in a ridiculously nice coffee shop which I purposely picked. Just like a date.

‘ Oh, don’t flatter me, it’ll get to my head.’ I tilt my chin to the side, grinning like an idiot.

‘ Mon dieu. You are… what’s the word I’m looking for?’ she pressed a finger on her lip and I noticed that beautiful mole right beneath it.  ‘Cheeky. You are a cheeky one, Cosima.’

Oh, I really wanted to kiss it.

‘ I’m a cheeky American, you’re a mysterious French doctor.’ She chuckled. ` Perfect duo.`

‘ Mysterious? What would be so mysterious about me?’

‘Well, for starters – you know so much about me, already, but I know nothing about you, ‘ I wave for the waitress, a friend of mine. ‘ Hey, please bring me my usual. And, for my friend here, bring one of your best stuff.’

‘ Right away, Cos’.’ She wrote the order down. Delphine flashes me a look, one of her eyebrows raised. 

‘ Are you trying to impress me?’

‘ Maybe I am, who knows?` I grin. ` My treat.’

‘ Definitely cheeky.’

Our orders arrived. ‘ One cappuccino for you, and a Café au lait for the lady. ‘ I thanked her, and winked with my less visible eye from Delphine.

I spun my ring as I waited for her to take a sip. ‘ This – this is delicious. Reminds me so much of the coffee back home, ‘ she placed her cup back, her chin slowly turning towards me. ‘ I wonder, is this just a coincidence?’

Oh, you have the smarts in you.

‘ Maybe.’ I shrug innocently. Her lips curved into one of her gorgeous smiles. She looked down, probably something’s on her mind. I think I can start understanding her behavior pattern, little by little.

‘ What would you like to know about me?’

‘ Anything you want to share, I’m up for it.’

‘ Hmm. ‘ she paused, tucking a strand of curly hair at the back of her ear. ‘ There is nothing fascinating about me. ‘  _I would definitely correct you there. ‘_ As you can see, I come from France. How did I end up here?  I love traveling. I love discovering new places. I used to travel a lot when I was young, but now I have settled here. I decided it is time for me to do what I want the most.’

‘ And that implies helping people?’

‘ Oui. People are fascinating. You never know what to expect from them. ’ She crossed a leg over the other. ‘ And, I like diving into the unknown.’

‘ Wow. You’re totally more fascinating than you think, Delphine.’

I could immediately spot her biting the inside of her lip. ‘ Merci, Cosima. That is very nice for you to say.’ I nodded sheepishly. ‘ I must say that, I am curious about your PhD subject, the one you mentioned. How did you end up in the evolutionary development branch?’

‘ Long story short, it just happened. I know I don’t seem the type but, I’ve always been fascinated about the developmental process of different organisms – how we can create new genes from parts of old genes. How genomes work, understanding DNA sequences, I could go on forever, really. But the point is, I also love to uncover the mysteries of this world, understand how everything connects,’  I noticed how much attention Delphine was paying. I felt a little more agitated when I was aware of it.  ‘ And , uh. I thought it would be a good idea to take you to this museum, it’s really cool. Huge. I could give you tons of examples of what I’m talking about here, ‘

‘ I would absolutely love that.’ She pressed her palms together, thrilled. I was so pleased with myself.

I wonder if she could feel it, this chemistry. _I wish you knew what you do to me. Oh, Delphine._

‘ I look forward to this, Cosima.’ I was grinning, again, almost biting off my tongue from sticking it between my teeth to containing my excitement.

‘ Then – let’s finish our coffee.’

‘ Oui.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edit: updated this chapter aswell.


	3. Chapter 3

Who would’ve thought that such a trivial thing could lift my spirits?

Overexcited – that’s me now.

I am being a total show off as we walk from room to room in the museum.

My signature grin was always there along with my runny mouth and infinite amount of knowledge – I sound like a narcissist. But I do know my shit.

The best part about this is that Delphine was having a great time, and I felt like she’s someone who gets me.

She’s alluring, in every possible way. I’m totally idolizing her.

' And, just so you know, I haven’t rehearsed or anything.'

' You’ve definitely impressed me. ' She crossed her arms, wearing a coy smile. 'You’re so passionate about what you do, it’s fascinating. '

That made me blush. ' Yeah, um. It’s just something I’m really good at.'

' What  _other_  things are you good at?' I look at her with the corner of my eye.

' Doctor Cormier, ' She rose her eyebrows at my playful tone. ' I’ll have you known, I’m full of surprises. ' I rose my index finger. ' But first, I’m gonna show you what symbiosis is all about, which is actually my PhD subject. '

' S'il te plait, Cosima. Lead the way.’

And I kept rambling. Whenever I’m involved in science, I keep rambling and I hardly stop.

' Please tell me I’m not boring you to death, '

' Non, of course not. Why would you think so?'

' I’ve never seen anyone that interested about these things, ' I trace my fingers along the glass cube which contained different reptile species. ' I can’t help but think if you do it out of kindness, '

' Cosima, ' I swallowed when she touched my shoulder. ' If I wasn’t interested, I wouldn’t be here right now.'

I sighed at that.

' I’m letting my insecurities cloud my judgment. You’re right.` I lower my head and grimace. ` Silly.'

' Non. Do not feel ashamed. I am your doctor after all,` I look up at her.` And your friend, if allow me to.'

How can I not allow you to?

When you make me feel so happy just by being here? 

' Yeah, obvs. I mean, you’re great, Delphine.' I clear my throat. 'Great friend. ' She had her eyes on me, like she was looking right through me, reading every thought. She did a gentle squeeze on my shoulder, perhaps for encouragement.

Wherever she touched, made me shiver.

' Shall we go? ' I point my head towards the exit hall.

' Oui.'

We strolled to the exit and I think we brushed our shoulders a couple of times because it was crowded. I groaned to myself as my body lingered for more.

' Cosima, ' she bit her lower lip  _again_  as she turned towards me. ' I want to thank you for this wonderful day. I enjoyed it very much. '

' Oh, it’s nothing – I thought we could use the fun. Your job must be exhausting. '

' My job is all I’m committed to – it does not burden me that way. But I do not have friends here since I moved recently.

' Oh? Sucks. Moving can have its counterparts. '

' Oui. But, I’ve met you. '

 _Please, don’t say such sweet words to me._   ' I, uh, I’m glad you feel that way.'

She nodded a little, and I panicked when she lowered her face closer to mine. I froze as I felt a pair of lips peck both my cheeks. Maybe I was imagining it, but I could feel those lips linger on my skin the second time.

' Au revoir. Thank you for today.' She waved her hand, I waved back. As she turned her back at me and disappeared into the crowd, my legs were shaking and my cheeks were burning.

' Shit. '

 

 

I arrived home shortly after and didn’t bother to fold my clothes, instead I threw them all over the place and nestled under my bed sheets, retreated in my safe zone.

I turned on my stomach. I could hear the chaotic pounding of my heartbeat and I did not realize how fast it was until I was standing still.

_My job is all I’m committed to._

' Deep breaths, ' I remind myself. I sigh from the bottom of my lungs and bury my head between the pillows. I was soon startled by a vibrating noise coming from my phone, which I strategically left on the damned floor along with my clothes. I rubbed at my eyelids and exposed my skin to the chill air of my room. Had me shiver like crazy. I ran my hands along the pile of clothes until I found it.

It wasn’t enough that my heart was molesting me, but it was beating full force when I saw Delphine's name on the bright screen. I squinted my eyes.

_Cosima, I’m sorry if I’m disturbing. But I must let you know that our next appointment must be canceled because of an issue on my part, but I will reschedule it for next week. I will let you know as soon as possible._

' Bummer.' I felt a little sad there because I wanted to see her sooner. I have to take it slow.

_Tots. Take care. Thank you for today._

I threw the phone behind me, landing it on the mattress. I lowered myself on the edge of the bed and leaned my elbows against my knees. I look at my hands for a bit. Then, I recall the softness of her lips on my cheek. I find myself absently rubbing it as I played this early memory.

' Stop.’

` Stop thinking. '

I reach for my sleeping pills because I was desperate to put my mind to rest.

 

 

The buzz of my alarm clock startled me. For the first time in a long while, I wanted to smash my phone in half. Why? I dreamed of her.

And I kissed her. And I can’t help the feeling of chills running down my spine. I wanted to rub it off. I couldn’t.

' Lord , whether you exist or not, show some mercy.'

I rubbed my forehead, and I was interrupted by a knock on the door. I glance through the window – it was already so dark outside, who could be here at this hour?

' Cosima? ' I hear an oddly familiar voice. I quickly grab one of my huge sweaters to cover myself since, I was only in a pair of boxers and a bra. When I run my eyes around the house, it looked hazardous. Fuck.

I nearly tripped as I sprinted towards the door and cautiously cracked it open. ` Delphine? Hey –how did you find my address? `

` About that – you forgot your ID card in my purse and I thought of returning it.` She reached for her back pocket and handed it to me. My pinky brushed against her palm and I felt this awful tingle in my stomach.

My eyes linger on her lips. ` Well, since you’re here and outside it’s kinda dark and all,` I lean against the doorframe. ` Care to stick around for some tea?`

` Only if you have cranberry flavour, ` I nod and push myself away to allow her in. I press my back against the door after closing it, shamelessly eyeing Delphine.

` Real sorry for the chaos in here – sort of bad timing? If i knew you’d come -`

` Non, it’s no big deal. I should have called you, perhaps?` Her heels clicked as she walked towards the couch. ` May I?`

` Go ahead, ` My body was a little tense as I realized the setting we’re in. Night time, Delphine is at  _my_  place, and I’m showing way too much skin.

` I kind of, didn’t plan your first visit here to be welcomed with this mess.`

` Hmm? Were you planning on inviting me here?` She lifts her chin a little as she smirks, soon setting herself comfortably on the couch.

` Maybe,` I tilt my head to my side and click my tongue. ` I should boil water, `

She waved her hand aimlessly. `Of course. Go ahead.`

It took me around five minutes to get everything done. I was pretty excited to have her here which made me a little clumsy in the kitchen.

Involuntarily, I’ve let her in my heart and it’s getting harder to ignore this feeling.

` Idiot.` I whisper softly as I return to Delphine with two mugs in my hands. I place hers on the coffee table and I lower myself on the couch too, not too close.  

` Thank you , Cosima.` She lowered her hands to grab the mug and take a short sip. She was slightly startled by the heat of the tea that met her lips.

I clench my teeth together as I muttered an  _ouch_  .` I think I overdid it a little, ` I was biting the inside of my cheek, cursing myself. She noticed the possible sorry-puppy face and shook her head, assuring me it’s fine.

She pressed her lips together in an attempt to soothe the burn.` Non, I was a little careless,`

_Oh – I’d kiss that burn away._

She relaxed against the backrest.

` Your place – it feels comfortable. It suits you.`

 I let these words sink in. ` Thanks, Delphine. But it’s just a messy house, honestly.` She clicked her tongue.

` But that’s how someone would see it on the outside, oui?` She pressed her shoulder against the couch and turned slightly more towards me. ` Do you get where I’m going with this?`

` That I need a shower?` I poke in, obviously teasing her. She was chuckling, and I chuckled along.

` Non.` I cross my arms and lean against the couch, too. ` Underneath that messy exterior is someone that is kind hearted and genuinely cares for people.’

My mouth went dry.

` Thank you, honestly. I’m surprised to hear you say that because I – I think so highly of you and I did not expect it.`

She was just as surprised as I was.` You think highly of me?`

` Well – before I came to the clinic, I looked over your CV on your website. Great stuff there, ` I clear my throat a little. ` Now that – we actually became friends, I am even more impressed with your knowledge. I mean, of course it’s your job and all. But to put it simple you’re – interesting, as a human being,`

She chuckled. ` Nervous again.`

I was. ` I’m not too good with compliments.`

` I understand.`  Her glance lingered on the table.

Then she looked back at me. ` How are you handling everything, Cosima? Can you sleep? How do you feel lately?`

` To answer all three questions, good. I think I’ll be able to properly work on my thesis soon.`

` Symbiosis,` She added. I nod in response.

 I look around for my laptop. ` Wanna take a look?`

` Please,`

I swallow the lump in my throat as Delphine scooted closer to me to take a better look. I could feel the sweet scent of her perfume.

` This is quite a lot of information – since when have you been working on it?`

We accidentally brushed our arms here and there, nothing of great friction but enough to make my skin crawl. It felt incredibly soft.

` Not that long ago.`

We sat like that for half an hour – she offered to help me rearrange some paragraphs and add a little more detail here and there since she already went through this process once. When she typed, I stole some glances.

_You’re so cute._

We finished our little science tirade, and had to leave because it was getting late. I go grab her coat out of courtesy and hand it over.

` Are you sure it’s safe to go by yourself at this hour?`

` I am safe, my ride is nearby.`

I kind of hoped it would be a way to convince her to stay over. ` Sweet. I’ll see you next week?`

She put her coat on.` Cosima, I don’t think it is necessary for you to come to my clinic anymore.`

` What – why? `

` Because – I thought we could easily visit each other. ` I clenched my fists.

` Are you alright with that?`

` Of course I am.` She smiled softly. ` There is no need to maintain such formality at this point, do you not agree?`

I wanted to skip over to her, embrace her so tight ‘till I break my bones.

` Point made.`

` I’ll give you a call one of these days. Check up on you, see if you need anything,` I nodded, and smiled back.

She was going to leave.

` Delphine - `

` Yes?` She turned her head back at me.

My breathing was uneven, trying to think of what exactly to say.

`I’ll sound like I’m overthinking, and believe I deserve the worst but – why are you being so kind to me?`

She turned her head away, staring at the hallway. Her hand lingered on the doorknob, her grip tight judging by the fading color of her palm.

She didn’t answer.

` Goodnight, Cosima.`

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am truly sorry for the slow update. My last year of university started and I wish I could write more often but it takes a lot of refining and rewriting because I'm deeply involved into these two. I know some of you really look forward to it and I do not want to disappoint. Bare with me. Love you guys. Your positive feedback gives me strength.


	4. Chapter 4

I asked Felix to visit me the next day.

'... Goodnight? That’s it?' He whined and sipped his coffee.

I regret not stopping Delphine last night, but my voice of reason is stronger than my impulses.

It had me wonder,was she just being kind to me out of pity?

It can’t be. That’s not Delphine.

He shrugged. ' I think she likes you.'

' You  _think_? '

' Honestly?  I don’t know what you’re worrying so much about, Cosima.  '

' It’s complicated. '

' What’s so bloody complicated? '

' I don’t know! I don’t know what to tell you – it’s just, hard not to know, you know? '

He wore a bemused expression. ' Know if she shags other women? You won’t know until you ask.'

' But -'

' For crying out loud, ' He was tapping his foot impatiently.  ' I know you’ve been dealing with a lot of anxiety, you still have a long way to go but, Cosima, always remember who you really are.` He reached out and held my hands in his own.` You are brave, confident, a free spirit – one of the smartest people I know. Don’t let it tear you apart. Don’t let it stand in the way of happiness.`

I bit the corner of my lip while contemplating on his words. ' I’m sorry. You’re right. I’m always worrying so much because I was fucked over – thinking I’ll be fucked over again. It’s my own fault for getting this attached to her and I need to deal with this.`

' It’s not a fault, it’s chemistry. ` He pointed. ` What if, instead of  _dealing_  with it, you simply act on your feelings?`

' Why doesn’t it sound as simple to me? ' I press my back against the chair.

' Think of it this way. Life’s like a landmine. You never know which steps to take. Give yourself a chance. It pains me, it pains Sarah, to see you so down because of Shay.` He sighed. ` She’s gone now, you  _need_  to move on. '

I wasn’t feeling as optimistic as he was, but his words did give me a gentle push, some sort of encouragement.

I was chewing on my lip, thinking and thinking.

' You’re amazing, did I ever tell you that?'

His smile was genuine.

' Plenty. '

I think I lost count of how many times I said it, but I’m so glad Felix was always there when I needed him.

He turned on the music and we started goofing around and dancing in the living room. I should do this more often, dancing. Gets me in good spirits.

I lighted a cigar. ' Sometimes, I miss partying.'

' Now now, don’t let Monkey chief find out.'

` Don’t you dare say a word. ' I punch him lightly on the shoulder.

' How about you save that energy for the Frenchie?'

' Oh, don’t get me started. '

` Come on, Cosima. You’re head over heels.`

Oh, Felix. You’ve hit the spot.

 

 

 

_What’s the point of fighting a battle I cannot win? What’s the point of denying myself what’s best for me?_

_Ever since I met Delphine, ever since I walked into that cabinet, my heart chose her. I got to know her, bit by bit._

_In time, I’ve stopped thinking about the consequences._

_And at this exact moment, I am sharing the same bed with her._

 

2 weeks earlier.

I glance at the door, lips parted open. I should’ve gone after her, but my gut feeling told me otherwise – stay the fuck away or you’ll mess everything up.

Bullshit.

I took baby steps towards the door, only to press my arms crossed against it and support my head as I lay it on them. I groaned, and cursed. I rubbed my eyelids against my sleeves to suppress the upcoming tears.

' Stupid. So stupid. What are you crying for. Everything is great, fantastic. '

_Oh, Cosima. Are you even listening to yourself? What do you really want, anyway?_

` I want  _you_ , Delphine,`

I got distracted by the sound of a car engine. I walk to the window and bend over to get a better view outside.

It was probably her.

I felt a little lonely, all of a sudden.

I lean my head against the window frame and look towards the sky. It was clear tonight, the stars were amazing. I spent my time tracing imaginary lines of each constellation that was visible.

We didn’t talk at all since that night. I hadn’t received any calls, and I thought I shouldn’t try contact her, either. She was probably busy, duh, job and all, but it still saddened me because I had a feeling that she was purposely avoiding me.

For a while, I visited Sarah and babysit Kira to keep my mind occupied, or work on my thesis. Anything to distract myself, really.

And as we all know, Sarah is sharp.

' Can I ask you something? ' I turn towards her, away from my laptop. ' You alright? '

I shrug. ' Why wouldn’t I be?'

' For starters, you never come here so often. Not that I particularly mind. What’s bothering you?'

' it’s nothing. ' of course, she never buys my excuses. She raised her eyebrows and crossed her arms, waiting for confirmation. ' Okay. Maybe it’s something. '

' What? '

I fiddle with one of my hair strands. ' Do you remember her?'

She rose her eyebrows. 'Who?'

' Delphine. '

She snorted. 'Delphine? '

' Don’t play dumb with me. '

She rolled her eyes.' You think I'm bloody stupid? Do you know how obvious you are? Hell, I didn’t even need to ask you to figure it out. '

' Alright, Sherlock. Does this answer your question although you seem to know everything that’s going on in _my_ life? '

' _Cosima._ ' She warned me.

I looked away. ' I’ll be going. I’m sorry for the intrusion. ' I grab my stuff and proceed towards the door. Before I held the doorknob, Sarah called me.

' Cosima, wait, ' I couldn’t bring myself to face her. ' Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to get involved in this, at all. I just want you to be alright.'

' I know.' I exhale. ` But I like her, Sarah.`

I sensed her hesitation. ' Are you sure about this?'

I finally look her in the eye.' I don’t have anything left to lose, do I?'

 

1 week earlier.

I fucked up.

Just for one day, I added something different in my agenda. So, guess where I was headed?

Nightclub.

I dress accordingly and do my makeup. I’ve been careless about my aspect lately because I didn’t think it mattered whatsoever. Today was different.

I need to live a little.

I took a glimpse at myself in the mirror and it brought me back to the old days where everything was all about having fun, and everything was so simple. Not a single care in the world.

And I missed this atmosphere.

Sweaty bodies grinding against each other, dim light and the strong scent of alcohol. It was art. And I wanted to be part of the canvas.

` You seem new around here, `

I turn around as I am met by a beautiful pair of hazel eyes. ` Actually, I am.`

She traced a stray finger along my arm. ` Need any company?`

Oh, to hell with it.

` Yes.`

This is one of those times that highlights my tendency to screw up.

I was pretty damn drunk and I was not allowed to. Selfish and greedy, that’s what I was.

We made out and she insists we retreat someplace else. I refused, I couldn’t. I was gradually feeling guilty and having Delphine in my heart and mind made it even worse.

Time passed, I had my share of fun but I also had to suffer the consequences.

I ran outside. I was feeling extremely sick to the point that I was scared if I’ve done something terrible to my health.

 I was so scared that I called Delphine, regardless of the time, which was 4 in the morning.

Fucking smooth.

` Cosima?!` She found me crouched near a wall, hands to my stomach.  

` Uh – Hey ` I grimaced.

` Mon dieu, what happened?`

I didn’t even know how to explain this. God, my face must’ve looked grotesque. What happened?

Oh – right.

I wanted to forget you for one day, just one day.

` Nothing – nothing, I think I’ve had a little too much - ` I barely could look her in the eye because I am ashamed of myself.

But when I did, I didn’t know what to make of it. She seemed hurt, disappointed.

` A little too much of what? ` I lowered my head like a defeated puppy.

` ... alcohol.`

She didn’t reply. I stared at her legs, waiting.

For a good amount of time, we both sat in silence. I rose my chin and looked up at her again.

` I’m really sorry – I shouldn’t have called you this late, this is so immature - `

` Cosima.` She pressed. ` None of this is going to fix your conditon. And none of this is going to alleviate your sickness, either.`  

I bit my lip and nodded.

` Here.` She wrapped her coat around my shoulders and pulled me up by the arm.  ` Let’s get you in a safer place.` We walked together until we reached her car. I could barely discern where I was stepping, but thankfully she was there to guide me.

When she helped me put the seatbelt on, I felt too nervous because of how close our bodies were. Her hand lingered near my thigh and I held my breath.

She started the engine, and I pasted my forehead against the car’s window. Sometimes I drew circles over the little traces of fog that my breath left on it.

Delphine was quiet, we both were. As my body relaxed a little, I inhaled the scent impregnated on her coat.

Delphine’s scent was alluring.

` Can I ask - ` She stopped at a red light, I look at her. ` What were you doing there?`

_Why are you making this harder for the both of us?_

` Well, I – wanted to live a little. I mean, It’s been so long since I’ve done anything else – I felt like I was suffocating.`

` So, is this fun to you?`

I’m sure this was one of those trick questions. What a frustrating situation. I didn’t know what to tell her, I just looked her in the eye. I mentally begged her understand how hard this is for me.

` I see.` She replied, and sighed.

` I didn’t say anythi - `

` Silence speaks when words can’t, Cosima.`

My heart physically hurt when she said that.

_I’m a disappointment to myself and now I’ve disappointed you, too._

She stopped at my place, and my eyes were teary. When she called my name, ask if I was okay, I turned my face away and started to cry.

I worried her, I worried her and it made me feel even more guilty. She asked me what’s wrong but I shook my head in denial and she took my silence for granted.

I felt a pair of arms wrap around me in an attempt to calm me down, it actually worsened it. But after a minute or two, I managed to stop myself from crying.   

As she let go, I rubbed at my eyelids with my loose sleeve.

` I’m sorry, please believe me... `

` Non. I was a little harsh on you.` She smiled small. ` Let’s go inside and take care of you.` She squeezed my arm it was so, so comforting.

I aimed for the couch and dropped myself on it.

` This sucks,` I held my stomach with both hands.

` Here, ` She handed me a glass of water and a couple of meds. ` This should fix your stomach ache.`

After I took them, there was comforting silence. The only sound filling the room was the ticking clock. I counted every second. I felt a bit anxious but I dared to look at her only to find she was staring at me all this time.

_You’re beautiful._

` You should... go home, it’s late.`

She didn’t respond. Instead, she looked at her feet and bit the corner of her lip.

` It bothered me that, I did not recognize the Cosima I know.` I squeezed my fists together.

` Don’t apologize when I’m the one who’s at fault,`

She shook her head twice. ` I was absurd. You are entitled to do whatever you want,`

_Please don’t put it that way._

_`_  However, you knew you were not supposed to drink while on medication.`

` I knew,`

` Then why ? Why compromise the progress you’ve made?`

My mouth was half open as I did not know what exactly was I supposed to say to that. I couldn’t lie to her, but I couldn’t bring myself to tell the truth either.

` Do I ... really have to say why?` I rubbed the back of my neck.

` I’m worried, but if my worry is not needed...` she shrugged lightly, then aimed to grab her coat in order to leave.

_No._

I grabbed her by the wrist. She stood still, and turned to look at me.

` Stay ,` I plead.

Her face lightened up a little.

` Will that make you happy?`

I nod.

I felt her relax in my grip. She asked me to wait and she walked to my room to grab a blanket and cover me with it since, me engaging any sort of movement was far from happening today.

It took me less than 5 minutes to fall asleep, because I was nestled so comfortably next to her with my head on her shoulder.

 


	5. Chapter 5

I was a little disappointed to see that she was gone when I woke up, but a small note on the table made me feel otherwise.

_I remember you once told me how much you liked Eskimo pie, so I bought some for you this morning. They’re in the fridge._

_\- Del_

I smile at the piece of paper in my hand and give it a gentle squeeze - making my way straight towards the fridge.

Being spoiled by Delphine was, by far, my guilty pleasure.

I’m trying to not think about last night. I hate dramas, I really do. But I always seem to get myself caught up in them. Worse than that, Delphine’s words hit me hard. And I kept replaying them in my head over and over.

I need to get my shit together.

I made my way to the bathroom and noticed a faint trail of lipstick on my forehead. I’ve been squinting my eyes in the bathroom mirror for roughly 5 minutes just to be sure.

I felt those disgusting butterflies again. I close my eyes and lean against the sink.

` Delphine...`

 

5 days earlier.

` Auntie Cosima, what’s this?` Sarah left for one day on a business trip and I offered to take care of Kira. Sometimes, I look at her and I see Sarah. Sharp and curious just like her mother.

` This?` I point at the water tank. She nods. ` It’s called an Eel.`

` Eel? `

` Yes, kiddo. ` I kneel down to match her height. ` This thing right here, is one of those rare species I used to tell you about.`

` It looks funny, `

I hold her by the shoulder. ` A little, yeah.`  

` Can we see the dolphins now?`

Obvs. Every kid at the aquarium wants to see dolphins.

` Sure we can.` I bend up to resume my height and stretch myself a little. ` Grab my hand.`

She pulled me right after her in a sprint towards the gigantic tank filled with dolphins.

` Look ! Baby dolphins! ` She let go and pasted herself on the glass. I pet her tiny head and smile to myself. Kids – how excited they are about absolutely everything. It’s a shame us adults rarely feel this excitement towards anything in this life.

We start off as pure and become tainted creatures.

` - sima!`  I blink a few times and turn my attention towards Kira.

` What’s wrong?`

` There’s a lady looking at us, `

` Huh?` She pointed with her tiny hand to my side, and there was Delphine only a few meters away. I opened my mouth halfway, losing my ability to speak as we make eye contact.

I felt a bit jealous to see her standing there with another woman.

_Look away. Act casual._

` Cosima, `

Yeah, right.` H-hey. `

` Bonjour. ` the other woman adds. I respond and turn my attention towards Delphine again.

Delphine told her something – something in French. She nodded and walked away towards the exit and Delphine came closer to me.

` What brings you here?`

I point downwards with my chin. ` Delphine – this is my niece, Kira.` Delphine kneeled before her and smiled.

` Bonjour, Kira. `

` Kira, what do we say?`

` Hello, miss,`

` What a charming young lady – are you enjoying the aquarium?`  She nodded in response.  

` She’s all about dolphins.`  I add. Delphine rose up. Sometimes I forget how short I am compared to her. ` What brings  _you_  here?`

` Oh – I was meeting up with this old friend from college. She just arrived in America.`

_Old friend._

` Sounds fun.`

She chuckled.` Fun? Non. Adults talking isn’t that fun.`

` Hmm – what is that supposed to mean?` I elbow her lightly.

` Oh, Cosima – your soul isn’t one of an adults’.  

Oh, not this again. My heart can’t take it much longer.

` From what sort of romantic novels do you pick up these lines?`  She snickered, and I was giving myself credit for it.

` Definitely French novels - ` She paused and bit her lower lip. ` Non. From here.` And she placed her palm to where her heart lies.

I sucked in my own lip and tried to calm my dear heart. ` O-oh. Inspiring.`

She adjusted her voice. ` Oui.`

I was glad Kira was paying attention somewhere else. I knew my cheeks were red, really red. Worst of all, I’m pretty sure it was visible for Delphine despite the dim light in these rooms.

` Forgive me for not calling these days.`

` It’s nothing, really. I deserved some form of punishment.`

` Cosima, I wasn’t punishing - `

` I know – I know. I’m just, rambling. Overthinking.`

She looked down. ` I did not mean to make you feel this way.`

_Oh no, don’t be sad because of me. Damn it._

` Hey, no hard feelings -`

My eyes went wide when I felt a pair of fingers lightly brush my own, as if she was asking for permission. I looked at her, then I looked at our hands, a bit unsure.

But I tangled our fingers, and she squeezed my hand.

` Delphine?`

We clumsily retreat our hands, shoving mine in my pocket. Her friend called her, as she must’ve waited for a while. For me, it was all too fast, all too perfect.

_Shit. What just happened?_

` Pardon.` Delphine replied to her, and turned to me. ` I must leave, Cosima. We’ll talk later?`

I stutter. ` Sure thing.` I tap my heel unconsciously to the floor.  _Calm down._

After we said our goodbyes, I sighed and leaned my forehead on the tank’s cold glass, staring absently at Dolphins and listen to the chaotic sound of my heartbeats.

` That lady is pretty,` Kira adds as she holds my hand.

` Yeah . `

At least I had Kira with me the whole day. I took her to different places around town and spoiled her with candy. It was a good kind of distraction – my head was full of ‘ what ifs ‘.

I’m growing impatient.

At sundown , I dropped Kira at Sarah’s and left straight towards home.

I flip my phone open, re-read this text I’ve been trying to write to Delphine. I couldn’t hit send no matter how many times I’ve tried today. I’ve been staring at my phone for minutes long, and suddenly, I call her.

 _`Yes?_ `

` Hei, Del.`

 _`Cosima,`_  I heard her yawn.

` Oh, shit. Were you asleep?`

 _` Non. Well, I’m trying to but I can’t fall asleep.`_  What could there be on your mind, Delphine?  _` Is there something wrong?`_

` No! No. I wanted to, ugh, say goodnight.`

_` Are you sure there’s nothing else?`_

` Trust me, ` She giggled softly on the other line, and I was biting back the urge to say how much I miss her.

_` Bonne nuit, ma chérie.`_

 

 

2 days earlier.

I was at Delphine’s place. It was one of those usual appointments where she checks up on me and makes sure I’m mentally stable.

And, to be honest, I’ve been improving ever since I’ve started treatment. I’m slightly more positive, I’ve focused on my tasks and I feel my confidence coming back where it belongs.

I don’t feel much when I remember of Shay. I don’t feel any piled up anger, I don’t feel the need to keep a grudge anymore. I just – want to always be by Delphine’s side.

` I have to say, I’m satisfied with your results.`  Imagine a puppy wiggling its tail at their owner. That’s me right now. ` Your symptoms have diminished, and you’re as cheeky as ever,` Mocking me, huh.

` Do tell me more, Doctor Cormier.`

` I would, but I must leave to work. ` We were both dressed up and almost ready to leave. ` I will see you later, oui?`

I nod. We both walk to her car and she starts the engine. My home was on the same way so she offered to drive me there.

We didn’t talk much, especially me because I had some _things_ in my mind. I peeked at her a couple of times as she was focusing on the road.

Waiting for tonight will be the death of me.

As soon as I knew it, we arrived at my block in a matter of minutes.

_Brave, be brave._

` Delphine, ` I whisper between gritted teeth, barely audible – but enough for her to get me. ` What is this?`

She pressed her lips together and looked at my feet. ` You mean...`

I exhale. ` Yes.`

She was squeezing her seatbelt, clenching her fist around it. For the first time, I see her anxious.

` You should – go upstairs, Cosima,`  She leaned her head against her seat and pat my shoulder.

` No.` I protest – unconsciously chewing on my lip. ` God, that’s immature. I’ll leave, I’ll leave right now.`

I clicked my seatbelt open, scared to look her in the eye

Before I could walk out of the car, my arm was stuck – because she was tugging on it really tight. I turned to face her and the moment we made eye contact, she let go of my arm and held my face in her hands.

My body froze when she looked at me – she looked at me so intense as if she could see through my skull.

She shook her head, sighed.

` Don’t leave.`

She pulled my face closer to hers and pressed her lips over mine – stroking my cheek lightly with her thumb.

I must be hallucinating.

No, I’m not hallucinating.

I kissed her back, and her lips were so tender.

I lift my hands to hold her by the wrists as she pulled her head away. I held her, because I was afraid she’ll let go of me.

` Merde.` She closed her eyelids. ` Why couldn’t you just – be patient?`

How could I, really?

` I ... `

` You’re such a brat,` her eyes opened. ` So inquisitive, analytical... imposing,` I shrug and nod at the same time. ` But that’s the fascinating part of you, Cosima - `

`You’re gonna make me want to stay in this car,` I utter. ` And we both know – your work shift is five minutes away.`

` Oui.` She lowered her hands as I’ve eased my grip on her wrists. ` And you need to work on your thesis.`

I was biting the corner of my lip. ` Yes.`

` And I must start this engine.`

` Mhm.`

` Cosima - `

I lean on one of my knees to stand tall enough and kiss her. I she whimpered in protest, but her tension tempered and she finally relaxed under me.

I pull away and look in her eyes, pecked her one more time before I got out of the car. I look back at her through the window and I was so satisfied to see that look of embarrassment on her face.

That simple kiss, right there, was so tender that it made my stomach turn. Her lips were soft like feathers, her scent so luscious – I felt so, so happy I could die.

_I can’t get enough of her._

_._


	6. Chapter 6

` Is this...right?`

I drop my head on my knees, curled up next to my bed shortly after that kiss.

` It felt right,` I rub at my forehead with the back of my palm.

I took off my glasses and placed them on the nightstand before dropping my head between the pillows in an attempt to sleep.

` Useless.` I mumble after 10 minutes.  

I was overjoyed, but I couldn’t shake the feeling of nervousness cursing through every inch of my muscles – I was entirely tense, not to mention the burning sensation in my stomach.

` Gross.`

I reach for my laptop in hope that I could distract myself, but the first thing I was looking up on the internet was information about Delphine, anything related to her immunology research – out of pure interest.

I click my tongue. `Juuust curious, ` I scroll down the page, absorbing every bit and piece – shit.

I sigh and cover my face. `This is not helping,`

Thesis. Yes, that should work.

It did, only for half an hour.

Checking my phone from time to time became a habit – checking if there was anything from Delphine. But of course, nothing.

The day went on like this, mostly.

I was seated at my table – opted to smoke some pot. I dropped my shoulders as I exhale and lean my elbow on the hard wood to support my head as I was watching the sunset.

I check the time –notice Delphine is supposed to end her shift soon.  I proceeded downstairs at Bobby’s to buy a bottle of wine, in case Delphine kept her promise.

` Special occasion?`  She asked me while cleaning the bar counter.

I climb up on one of the stools. `Kind of,` I tilt my chin. `I want one of your best stuff.`

` Cosima,` she furrowed her brows. ` You have such ways with the ladies,`

` It’s not like that - ` I shook my head. `It’s – it’s different.`

` Like someone?`

I let that sink in, swallowing the always-present lump in my throat whenever I think of Delphine. `Very much so.`

 

 

I heard three knocks on my door - skipped to it and opened without double-checking.

I was biting my tongue as my eyes scanned her from head to toe. `Bonsoir, cherie.` 

` You’re late,` I teased, opening the door wider for her to come in.

` It was a rather long day, ` she ran a hand through her curls, making a sweet mess out of them. ` May I have some coffee?`

` At this hour?` I closed the door behind.

` Oui, I can’t promise I’ll stay for long. I’ve had a rough day with one of my patients.` I offered to take her coat and hang it on the hallway before proceeding to the living room.

` What happened?` I motion for her to take a seat on the couch. I sat on the opposite side on one of my stools.

She looked at her hands, rubbing at one of her thumbs. ` Well, there is this girl – much younger than you,` I nod. ` She is mentally unstable – like a ticking time-bomb, she tried committing suicide yesterday,`

` That’s...`

` Awful.`

` Body-wise, how was she?`

` Her wrists were bandaged – some stains were still visible,` She rubbed at her forehead.

` We don’t have to talk about it, you... look so pale already,`

` Non. Sometimes I – I involve myself emotionally with these people. It can become exhausting.`

I raise my index finger, asking her to wait. I rush towards the kitchen counter and come back with two glasses and the wine I just bought. She opened her mouth in awe.

` Cosima that’s – I’m supposed to drive,`

` Is there anyone waiting for you at home?` She shook her head.  ` Then I don’t see why you can’t stay, I mean – you can use my bed, I’ll crash on the couch.` I walk closer, seating myself on the coffee table as I poured a glass for her. ` Besides – I think you deserve some sort of relief.`

She bit her lower lip, thinking about it. I try again, as I extend the glass closer to her. ` Please?`

She raised her chin and crossed one leg over the other. ` This is expensive wine.`

_Shoot_.

` Um, yeah. ` I stutter – she took the glass and the tip of our fingers brushed lightly. This kind of thing...this is not the first time she does it. She’s aware of this whole situation she – she can read me like an open book.

Delphine Cormier, do you even realize what you do to me?

She took a sip while I poured my own glass. ` Merci, Cosima.`

I smiled small. ` Don’t mention it.`

I was staring at the floor as I was fidgeting with my glass. I couldn’t find the guts to ask her about today. I feel nauseous, because of how nervous I was. In my head, this played out a lot easier.

But it’s not – somehow I hoped she’d start talking. But she looks so tired – poor thing, and here I’m thinking about myself. I’m such a hypocrite.

She brought me back to reality. ` What are you thinking about?`

I clench my jaw. ` I’m thinking of, ` I pause, unsure. ` of this, research that I’m supposed to conduct tomorrow.`

` Research?`

` Yeah. I have this old friend – Scott.` She nods, attentive. ` We are analyzing the development of embryos in hope of diminishing fertility diseases that occur.`

` Cosima, that’s - ` She tapped her nail on the glass. ` I didn’t know you were this experienced, `

` Surprise.` I grin. ` But , here’s the thing – I am conducting these types of research in private, it’s not official simply because I wasn’t given the chance.`

` Why is that?`

` Hmm, you might think low of me if I divulge this secret.`

Her back straightened, taking another sip of wine then placing the glass on the table. ` There isn’t a thing that would make me think low of you.`

I lean one of my arms on the table. ` I had an affair with the head of the DYAD facility, once.` I stare out the window, then peeked at her with the corner of my eyes. ` Alright, more than once – I was young, stupid. When the higher ups found out, I was asked to resign.`

` But this happened long ago, yes?`

` True. Yet, because I meddled with a well-known corporation, my chances of working in a respectful facility dropped to 0.` I sigh. `I don’t need them to achieve great results – I don’t.  But I screwed up – I’m a screw-up.`

`Please, stop saying such false statements.` I shook my head. ` You are truly brave, Cosima, braver than anyone I’ve ever met.`

` I keep telling you – you’re giving me too much credit, ` Her palm rested on my knee, squeezing it.

` Why are you being so coy?`

` Delphine - `

Her tone was gruff. ` Cosima.`

I’m being childish. I – I was unconsciously degrading myself to ask for her attention.

This is wrong. I am upsetting her.

` I’m – sorry,` I sigh, looking at her still-placed hand over my knee. ` I have a lot of things I need to work on.`

She let go of my knee, it left me missing the warmth of her palm. ` You are doing better than you think,` she said, softly.  I clenched my fist against the table, feeling the urge to trace my finger over her lips and kiss her.

I rejected that thought, because I felt this was not the time after she just displayed a yawn.

` I should make the bed for you.` She rests her back on the couch and nods.

` Forgive me, I am bad company today.`

I pressed my index finger over my lips, shushing her. ` I’ll leave a pair of pajamas on the mattress.`

As I was making the bed for her, I took a moment to sit on it and rub my eyelids.  I’m worried that I’m growing impatient, I wonder if I’m moving things too fast for her – If only I knew how she felt about this situation, if she’s comfortable with me in such close proximity – if...

` Del, bed’s ready!`

No reply, I stood there a minute and called her again but still no reply. I get up to check on her, and she was already asleep.

` Look at you,` I whispered softly, closing in our distance. ` You’re beautiful.`

She whimpered in her slumber, and I lowered myself to gently stroke my thumb along her cheek, tracing her bone structure, losing myself in her details. It didn’t look like she was going to wake up anytime soon, so I grab a cozy blanket to and a pillow to lower her steadily on the couch and cover her body.

I wasn’t even remotely tired. I didn’t want to miss the chance of watching her sleep, not for anything in the world. There was something strange about this, looking at her.

It felt like my heart was swelling, overwhelmed with all these mixed feelings.

Regardless of the many times I’ve had partners, there’s isn't a single one that made me feel this vulnerable.

Since I couldn’t close an eye, I moved the table aside and sat on the carpet, right next to her. I turned the TV on and spent the rest of my night just like that.

 

 

She called for me as soon as she woke up

` Mornin’.`   

Wild curls emerged from under the blanket. ` What time is it?`

I smiled in her direction. ` Nine.`

She furrowed her eyebrow. ` What’s so funny?`

I was chuckling. ` You.` I pointed at her bed hair. It was all over the place, adorable.

My chest tightened at sound of her giggle. ` Merde.  I fell asleep here, didn’t I ?`

` Tots.`

` I’m sorry, was I heavy?`

` No no, not at all.`

She squinted her eyes, and gave me a look. ` Those eye bags – you didn’t sleep?` I shrugged.

She laughed again. ` You’re so silly,`

` A little,` I pause, reaching to brush the wild bangs off her eyes, then gently stroked the length of her hair. It felt incredibly soft.

She sighed under my touch, and closed her eyes.

Are you enjoying this just as much as I am?

I pecked her on the forehead – I think I was imagining it but, it seemed like she held her breath when my lips made contact with her forehead.

` Want some coffee?`

She rose up and uncovered herself, rubbing at both her eyelids.

She didn’t answer.

` Del?` and she wasn’t looking at me.

` I remembered I have something important to take care of, I need to leave,` She ran a hand through her hair to tame it and scanned the room for her purse.

` Wait – did I do something?

` No,` She cut me off.

` Delphine, wait - ` I grab her arm. ` Please, talk to me,` She sighed. ` Please?`

` Cosima, I – I really need to go to work.` My hand fell down.

` Oh.`

_You’re lying_.

I rub my shoulder. ` Will I see you later?` My voice as pleading as possible. She dressed her coat and put on her shoes.

` If my work shift allows me to...` She trailed off and opened the door.

I whimpered.` Why are you running away from me?`

The door closed behind her.

She left me here, confused and shattered.

 

 

` Cosima, hey.`

` How’s research going?` I throw my backpack on the desk.

` Steady, hopefully we’ll reach to a result in a couple of weeks.` He handed me a glass of water.

` Thanks.`

` I don’t mean to pry, but what’s with those eyes? `

` Rough night, doesn’t matter. We’re here to do science.`

He crossed his arms, suspicion written all over his face, but he let it slide. ` Fair. But I want a rematch.`

` Oh – Scotty, you just don’t know when to give up.`

We are both very competitive when it comes to rune wars – sometimes we end up playing for hours but we’re sure to make up for it later.

He’d won his rematch, fair and square. I’ve let him have his way today, because I was feeling truly shitty. Winning this game didn’t bring me any satisfaction today, in fact – I wanted to focus on work as quickly as possible before I let emotions meddle with my sanity.

I was so focused on work that I didn’t notice it was already midnight – figures why Scott was whining earlier.

` Cosima - `

` What now?`

` Your phone’s been vibrating for a while.`

` I don’t want to know.`

` But it’s Sarah-`

` Shit, ` I drop my utensils and ditch the gloves. ` Hello?`

_` Oi, why aren’t you home at this hour?`_

` Huh? Oh – I’m at the lab. What’s up?`

_` Kira got sick and I was thinkin’ you could check up on her?`_

_`_ At this hour?`

_` She got a fever,`_

` I’m coming right now, just wait for me.`

` _I hear ya.`_

I closed the phone. ` Why didn’t you tell me earlier?`

` I tried to!`

I rub my forearm over my forehead.

` Cosima, what’s going on?`

` Nothing, nothing.`

` You’re not yourself today,`

` I don’t want to talk about it, please?`

He sighed, helping me out of the lab coat. ` Whatever makes you happy.`

I sigh too and pat him on the shoulder before I leave. ` Great work today.`

I ran as fast as I could to check up on Kira. Thankfully, it wasn’t anything serious.

` Just a regular flu?`

` Yeah, she’ll be fine.` I hand Sarah a list with vitamins and pills.

` My bad, for interrupting your lab time.`

I shake my hand.` Oh, no. I was done anyway.`

` What’s with your face?`

` Huh?`

` You look bloody awful, have you been sleeping properly?`

` Uh, no. Not really.`

` Do I want to know what’s going on?`

` It’s – it’s, you know. I have it under control.`

She snorted. ` I can... see that.` She took a last sip of her coke. ` Need anythin’?`

` Huh? No, no. I’m good.` I knelt and stroked Kira’s hair. ` You’ll feel better soon – auntie Cosima gave your mommy science pills to regain that monkey strength!`

She grinned and played with one of my dreads. ` Will you show me a science trick?`

` Not today, mommy must take you home.`

` Okay,` She held Sarah’s hand as I got back up on my feet.

` I’ll see you around?`

I was surprised to have Sarah hug me with her free arm. ` Thanks, Cos’.

I wrap my own around her, as tight as I could. I felt hot tears gather at the corner of my eyes but I didn't let them flow.

_Hang on._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm almost done with chapter 7 so I will update it by tomorrow. Stay awesome.


	7. Chapter 7

After Sarah left, my scarf was soaked with tears.  I thought crying would help me feel better, but it only worsened my fatigue.

I washed my face, hoping I could also cool off my burning eyes.

` What do I do...` I mumble against the soft fabric of my towel as I wipe my face. ` I miss her so terribly.`

I remembered that I hadn’t checked my phone all day, purposely avoiding any kind of contact with Delphine – knowing myself, I would’ve tried texting her, adding more drama to the already existing one.

I inspect my pockets and grab the cellphone.

There was one message received not so long ago – specifically half an hour ago.

My heart was pounding again – I could hear it all the way to my ears like violent thuds.

 _` Forgive me ` -_ Del

I stood there, clenching my hand on the phone. Honestly, I wanted to throw it at the wall.

` Screw you! ` I shut my eyes and chew on my lip. Why, why does she have to make everything so complicated?

_Why do I feel so angry!?_

Such a rhetorical question.

I put my phone away and grab a lighter from my kitchen counter. I tinker with it a couple of times while staring at my stack of narcotics.

I ended up smoking and dancing in my dim-lighted room on my favorite tracks, wearing nothing but my undergarments.

I was baked, totally baked.

It was 4 in the morning and I was still not asleep.

I drop on the couch, on the same pillow Delphine slept on. I took a long inhale, and I could still smell this faint scent of her perfume on it.

I sober up, wipe my face of the leftover tears and reach for my glasses – my eyes scanned my surroundings and I notice a piece of paper folded up on the table.

` I don’t remember leaving you here,`

I snatch the piece and unfold it – I must’ve been really high.

I couldn’t even remember when I wrote these things.

Each line of the page – filled with the following: I love her.

Shabby scribbles, everywhere – plus dried stains of tears.

Which answers my question earlier: Why was I so... angry?

_Because I – I love her._

 

The present day.

`Another day, another research.`

I worked hard – no breaks, even Scott gave up a few times because of exhaustion, but I kept going. I kept going because – because I knew that I don’t need DYAD to succeed. Because we were getting closer to a result and it made me extremely satisfied and confident, and I hung on to these feelings because I had nothing to contribute to my happiness.

Plus, I had to make up for the lost time since the episode with Shay.

` I think this is it for today,` Scott adds.

` Yeah, I’m done too.`

` Rune wars?`

` I’ll pass.`

` Shame, I came up with new strategies to demolish you,` He almost convinced me to give it a go, but I had other plans in mind.

` I’ll make it up to you next time, deal?`

` Deal.` He shook my hand.

I grimace. ` What’s with this formality?` He looked in my eyes.

` It’s an honor to work with you, Cosima.`

` Woah – where did that come from?`

` Our work is paying off, and it’s all thanks to you.` My lip was quivering – I was overwhelmed by his words.

I shook my head.` You’re getting me all emotional, shoot. Go home, Scotty.`

He left first, and I took the time to check if everything was at its place.

Then I checked my phone, nothing.

I don’t know what I was expecting..

But I – I can’t bear her absence.

I can’t.

I looked at the time, around five. If I recall correctly, she was supposed to end her shift sooner since it’s Friday.

 

 

` What am I thinking...` I sigh as I rub at my forehead, waiting outside Delphine’s cabinet.

I hid around the corner until she was finished with her last patient.

When she left the room, I clenched my jaw so tight that my teeth were hurting from the pressure.

It’s now or never.

 _Be brave_.

She dropped her bags out of shock when our eyes met. ` Merde!`

` Sorry! I wasn’t supposed to scare you,` I crouch and help gather her belongings.

` Cosima what – are you doing here?`

` What am I _doing_ here? Is that something you need to ask?`

She gave me a look. ` You should’ve called me,`

` Would you have answered?`

` _Yes._ `

` Don’t lie to me, Delphine, don’t start this shit show again.`

` I’m not! I – this is not the right place to discuss - `

` Well, how was I supposed to know that you wouldn’t run away?`

I’m losing my temper – I’m frustrated and, here I thought I was perfectly capable of controlling my emotions.

Yet, her expression was so calm, calculated. It pissed me off even more.

` You’re upset.`

` Why the hell wouldn’t I be?`

` Can we _please_ go somewhere else?`

` No! You’re going to tell me right now what’s the meaning of this bullshit!`

She stopped my tirade with the tight grip of her arms wrapped around me, squeezing me– trying to calm down every bit of anger that was left.

I took deep breaths. ` Delphine...`

She whispered. ` Please,`  She held my face in her hands, asking for approval.

How could I ever deny you, Delphine?

 

 

 

` Do you want anything?` Delphine looked tense ever since she walked through my door.

` Tea would be nice,`

I warm up the leftover batch from this morning.

` Here,` I hand her the cup as she mumbled a small thanks. I totally overdid it, and I feel bad because when I look at her, I see guilt and sadness.

I had all the right to be upset but I simply just can’t when it comes to her.

` Can I show you something?` Her face lightened up a little, and she nodded. I skip to my room and grab an envelope.

` What’s this?`

` I wanted to show you how my lab looks like, since technically – no one is allowed to have access but me and Scott,`  I tear it open and flip through the pictures I’ve taken today.

` This is where we keep our embryos, and this – oh, that’s Scott.`

Her giggles filled the room. ` What was he doing?`

I fold my arms.  ` I caught him texting some gal from an online dating website, his face was so priceless and I just couldn’t help myself.`

` You evil thing,`

` Obvs.`

` You’re incredible -` She said that out of the blue and I was glancing at one of the pictures in my hand, suddenly nervous to face her.

_Oh...shit._

She leaned her head on my shoulder, and we sat in silence for a while. Funny – I wanted to say so many things, I’ve been rehearsing this incredible speech in my head, but it’s all just – gone.

Whenever I part my lips to speak, I closed my mouth repeatedly. Just like a fish would do.

` I am nervous, Cosima. ` She whispers. ` I never – felt this way before,`

` You mean... with a woman?`

She nods. ` I should have explained, I tried to, I’ve thought about these things every single day, Cosima. I was perfectly aware that I was causing you pain and I – I knew of your feelings since day one,`

` Oh –wow, so much for keeping secrets,`

` Non.` She reached for my hand and we tangled our fingers together. I leaned my head over hers and sighed to the touch. Her hand was right there, I experienced the joy of caressing every inch of her skin. ` I knew because I felt that connection, too.`

` But, why...`

` Because I was trying to be rational, because I thought I was doing the right thing – not letting personal feelings interfere with my job and your recovery, I wanted to offer you all the support and help I could but -`

` But this happened.`

 She nods, again and squeezes my hand tight.

` I – I thought I had it under control the moment I made my feelings clear, but - ` She whined. ` That morning, when you did those things – you were so tender and it made me feel so, vulnerable.`

` You’re not the type.`

` Was what I thought.`  She trailed off. ` Merde – perhaps, I don’t know myself at all.`

` No, we always discover something new about ourselves –always evolve.` I squeezed her hand back. `But, that doesn’t mean you’re any different than before, Delphine.`

She rose her head to my level and glanced at me. ` Mon dieu, what are you doing to me?` I swallowed dryly.

` I – keep asking myself the same thing,` Her face grew closer to mine.

` Why are you shaking?` She asked me, hoarsely.

‘ D-Delphine – I’m totally into your genius, but that’s just cruel to ask in these circumstances - `

Before I finished she grabbed me by the shirt and kissed me.  Her lips were such a mystery to me – through all my though facade, I felt like I was shattering.

I was holding on to her for dear life.

A moan escaped my lips and she shivered. We pressed our foreheads together and she closed her eyes, but mine were searching for her neckline. As strange as it may sound, I felt my mouth water at the thought of the soft texture of her skin on my lips. I breathe in, inhale her scent as I trail my mouth to meet her jawline and trace soft kisses along it ‘till I reached her earlobe.

She was whimpering, suppressing as much sound as she could.

` Don’t.` I plead, as close to her ear as possible. She dug her fingers deeper in my shirt.

Through kisses and whimpers, I lowered my hands and played with the hem of her shirt – lifting it, running my fingers across her lower back. Her skin was all goose-bumps.

She whispered my name and I was having my own chills running down my spine.

I moved my hand to her abdomen, feeling every bit of her already-tense muscles. She inhaled sharply and held me by my wrist. I couldn’t look at her because her face was buried at the crook of my neck, but I felt that something was wrong.

` Del?` I stroked her wrist with my thumb. `Hey – what’s wrong?`

She shook her head once.

` Let me look at you,`

She shook her head twice, and I felt drops of moisture on my skin.

I held her by the shoulders and pushed her back to take a better look at her face. ` W-why are you crying?! Oh my god, Delphine I’m - `

` Please, don’t apologize,`  She was wiping her tears, but I stopped her to do it on my own.

` I didn’t –`

` Cosima – don’t,` She squeezed my hands together.

I glanced at our hands.` I scared you,`

` It’s not like that! It’s not – I`  She stuttered. ` I don’t know how to, to - `

I shake my head and caress her cheek. ` Shhh, don’t say more, please don’t cry,` She held on to my hand, as shaky as hers were.

` I’m...such an idiot. `

We dropped our hands. ` Cosima...`

` I know, I know. You’re new to this, I should’ve figured.`

She bit her lip. ` I, thought I had it under control,`

I sighed. ` We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to, okay? I am purely happy just by sitting like this with you.`

She ran a hand through her hair and smiled small. ` I don’t deserve this – you.` She admits, profoundly.

` That’s my decision to make, ` She smiled at me, my heart skipped a beat. ` Feel better?`

It was genuine.` I’m more than better, ma chérie.`

` Good, good.` I turn around, glance at the time. ` Will you, like... join me tonight?` I point at my bedroom.

She covered her mouth. ` Oh - `

My cheeks burned. ` Wait – not like that! Like, you know, sleep? Um, cuddle? ` She didn’t respond, instead she rose to her feet and dragged me with her.

` You are cute when you ramble.`

` Don’t – say these things out loud,` She ignored my protests as she guided me towards my bed.

She sat on the mattress. ` Venez ici.`

` Um -`

` Come here, silly.` She lay down and opened her arms for me to join her.

She stroked my hair, my cheek, kissed my forehead and whispered some incoherent things in French that I couldn’t quite catch. It didn’t matter – as we lay like this, nothing else mattered.

It was just the two of us, and the world didn’t seem like such a scary place anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Voila. I hope the romantic part turned out okay *fingers crossed*

**Author's Note:**

> I am a MAJOR Cophine fan. I've wanted to start writing a story with them for a while now. Here is my contribution to the fandom. I apologize for any spelling mistakes, as I do not have anyone to ask and correct me properly. I do it myself.


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